I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
