I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
