You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
