if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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