My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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