I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
