New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
