just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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