someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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