I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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