bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
its liver damage thursday
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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