is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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