It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
