Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
