Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
