it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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