I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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