If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
