Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
