wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
