and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
