Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
