i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
