i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
