I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
