am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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