I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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