new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
