Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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