I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
