Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
