it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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