Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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