I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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