Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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