You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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