if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
When are your genitals available?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
