When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
