So drunk, too bad you don't want this
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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