Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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