About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
