your room smells of hookers.
And success
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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