This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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