sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
