waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
