life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
