His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
