Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
