My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
