Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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